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&lt;p&gt;Dear Vault readers,&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;You may have caught &lt;a rel=&quot;noopener noreferrer&quot; href=&quot;/blog/job-search/does-cold-emailing-for-a-job-actually-work&quot; target=&quot;_blank&quot;&gt;our post on Joe Maddalone&lt;/a&gt; and his ill-fated introduction email to Morgan Stanley&#39;s CEO.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Well one person definitely missed it: the NYU undergrad who wrote this epic fail of a cover letter to JP Morgan. In a plea for a summer analyst position, the applicant mentioned his GPA as well as bench pressing abilities. The end result was so bad that a BofA/Merrill Lynch director forwarded it to his entire team with a promise to buy for drinks &quot;for the first analyst to concisely summarize everything that is wrong with this.&quot;&#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;We have a few thoughts on that—but first, the letter, in most of its glory (identifying details redacted):&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;1/23/2012&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;J.P. Morgan&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Dear Sir or Madame:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am an ambitious undergraduate at NYU [removed]. I am a punctual, personable, and shrewd individual, yet I have a quality which I pride in myself more than any of these.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am unequivocally the more unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left [removed] because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull ups.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I say these things only because solid evidence is more convincing than unverifiable statements, and I want to demonstrate that I am a hard worker. J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and brightest of those in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult and hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and have much to offer in return.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am proficient in several programming languages, and I can pick up a new one very quickly. For instance, I learned a years [sic] worth of Java from NYU in 27 days on my own; this is how I placed out of two classes. I have a fantastic background in [removed] covering a variety of useful topics including [removed]. Even further, I am taking [removed] currently, two [removed] courses [removed] so that I may truly offer the most if I am accepted. I am proficient with Bloomberg terminals, excellent with excel [sic], and can perform basic office functions with terrifying efficiency. I have plenty of experience in the professional world through my internship at [removed]. In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to [removed]. This role is usually reserved [removed] but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Best,&lt;br /&gt; [removed]&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Dear Bank of America Director—we&#39;d like to present your with our list of 10 Things Wrong with The Cover Letter.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Hope we&#39;re a contender for drinks?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;0. The Easy Stuff&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;We&#39;ll throw in a quick round up of no brainer/freebie Things Wrong with This Cover Letter, just to keep this challenging. (We&#39;re big on self improvement too!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;-Using &quot;sir or madame&quot; instead of a name (elementary, Vaulties, elementary!)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;-Saying &quot;I,&quot; &quot;myself/self,&quot; and/or &quot;me&quot; 35+ times&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;-Having to actually tell the reader you&#39;re not a braggart or conceited (if you&#39;re afraid you&#39;re making that impression, re-examine what you wrote, immediately.)&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Whew, now let&#39;s get down to business!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Assuming it&#39;s others&#39; jobs to &quot;push you to excellence&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;That last thing you want to do when trying to get hired is make it sound like a pain in the a$$ to work with you. Even if &quot;self improvement&quot; is your aim (and it&#39;s certainly admirable), make no mistake whose job that is: yours.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Sounding more interested in collecting accolades than doing the job&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;You chose a &quot;hard&quot; job so you could add to your character? Great, but again, this is your business—an employer doesn&#39;t want to hear that you&#39;re punishing yourself by asking for a job hundreds of other would love to do. Tell a hiring manager you&#39;re in love with the work and eager to do it, not that you&#39;d view an offer as a trophy.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Detailing your accomplishments, but showing no knowledge of the firm&#39;s &lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The writer of this cover letter is great with details, but only when it comes to his number of pull ups. Despite clumsily mentioning the vague &quot;excellence&quot; of the firm, he doesn&#39;t appear to have any input on what&#39;s going on with Morgan Stanley.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;People, there&#39;s a press release section on company websites for a reason. Read it, use it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Wasting space on unrelated experience&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Unless you can directly tie it in, don&#39;t mention a collection of odd skills or jobs. Morgan Stanley doesn&#39;t care what you bench press. Bankers need to know if you can code HTML.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;You&#39;ll just come across as uninformed about the reality of the job you&#39;re applying for, and reaching for material to fill space with. After all, if you had the applicable experience, you wouldn&#39;t need to waste time talking about your juggling talents, would you?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. Failing to explain how your skills apply to the job&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Spend too much time on your list of accomplishments—and keep mentioning your love of overachieving—and you&#39;ll come across as a brownnoser in love with winning things, not a serious, long term candidate for the job.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Nobody wants to serve as a tick on your resume, and Morgan Stanley especially knows that it&#39;s sought after by qualified people. Now why are &lt;em&gt;you &lt;/em&gt;worth it?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;6. Not explaining why you want to work at that particular company &lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Aside from vague references to a firm&#39;s &quot;reputation,&quot; you should have something to say about the work the company does and why it interests you. &#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Here&#39;s a quick test: if you can simply swap company names in a cover letter and send it to Goldman Sachs, you&#39;re not being specific enough. Also, if you&#39;re actually doing this, know that it&#39;s very obvious to the companies.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;7. Saying &quot;I&quot; or &quot;me&quot; an excessive number of times&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Yeah, we mentioned this before, but it merits a little more explanation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Here&#39;s the thing: especially in a business built on oversized egos like I-Banking, nobody cares about You and Your Many Achievements. So knock it off. Less &quot;I am...,&quot; more concrete information that the company needs to know to hire you.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Oh, and excessive references to &quot;I&quot; combined with a &quot;sir or madame&quot; salutation is especially obnoxious. You couldn&#39;t be bothered to learn the name of the person you&#39;re targeting, but you want him or her to read a five-paragraph treatise on your greatness?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;8. Ticking off adjectives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Describing yourself with adjectives--punctual! hard worker!--is a missed opportunity to use real examples of what you bring to the table, lets the hiring manager draw connections between your skills and the pay off for the company.&#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Even if you are truly &quot;excellent,&quot; anyone can say that, and it&#39;s not terribly memorable. Talk about a project you worked on that landed a client--that&#39;s speaking a language hiring managers want to hear.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;9. Choosing odd adjectives&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Speaking of adjectives, we&#39;re assuming the writer here just got fatigued of saying how great he was when he switched to &quot;terrifying&quot; to describe his skills.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;That definitely scared us, but not in a good way.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;10. Lay off the hyperbole&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Don&#39;t tell a hiring manager you&#39;re the best. Tell him why you&#39;re excited to work at his company, how you&#39;ve proven yourself in the past, and how you plan to apply your experience to the company&#39;s work. &#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;He&#39;ll decide if you&#39;re the best, by inviting you in for an interview. Until then, skip the superlatives.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&#160;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;So what do you think—does Vault deserve a round of drinks, or can you find a few faux-pas we missed?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Weigh in below!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Read More:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br /&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;/blog/job-search/does-cold-emailing-for-a-job-actually-work/&quot;&gt;Does Cold Emailing for Job Actually Work?&lt;/a&gt; &lt;br /&gt;&lt;span&gt;&lt;a rel=&quot;noopener noreferrer&quot; href=&quot;http://www.businessinsider.com/how-a-tenacious-summer-analyst-applicant-got-laughed-at-by-goldman-morgan-and-everyone-else-on-wall-street-2012-2&quot; target=&quot;_blank&quot;&gt;&lt;span&gt;How A Tenacious Summer Analyst Applicant Got Laughed At By Goldman, Morgan, And Everyone Else On Wall Street&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/a&gt; (Business Insider)&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;span&gt;&lt;strong&gt;&lt;em&gt;--Cathy Vandewater, Vault.com&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;br /&gt;&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

Cathy Vandewater

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