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&lt;p&gt;Happy Valentine&#39;s day, Vault readers!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;In honor of this happiest (or most miserable) of holidays, here&#39;s a blast from the past—a little office lovin&#39; advice from the authors of &lt;em&gt;Office Mate&lt;/em&gt;, a book on &quot;finding and managing romance on the job.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;We offer this point of view today because, for the whole rest of the year, we&#39;re telling you not to flirt with coworkers. You&#39;ve already had it drilled into your head that it&#39;s not the safest idea, what with all the sexual harrassment seminars and warnings from friends and other (ahem) career advisors.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But here&#39;s where we get to play Cool Mom: if ever there&#39;s a day to gamble on love, it&#39;s today. And, despite the what HR might have you believe, we&#39;re all adults. We can handle a little danger.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Flirt responsibly!&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;----&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;The term &quot;office romance&quot; implies that the whole course of the relationship takes place within the four walls of the workplace—the dark supply closet for your rendezvous, the break room for your coworkers&#39; whispering, and of course, HR&#39;s desk to get fired.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Just because it&#39;s called office romance doesn&#39;t mean you should conduct it in the office,&quot; says Helaine Olen. That&#39;s her number one rule for avoiding drama in love on the job—keep it off site. But the co-author of Office Mate, a guide to workplace romance, says that the dangers are largely overblown.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;img src=&quot;http://www.vault.com/VCM/blogs/office_mate.png&quot; width=&quot;189&quot; height=&quot;249&quot; alt=&quot;Office Mate&quot; align=&quot;left&quot;/&gt;&quot;I think the people who [have office romances] are the people who are capable of doing it,&quot; she says. She and her co-author, Stephanie Losee, would know: having met their husbands on the job, they&#39;re among those who made it work.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Back when Olen and Losee wrote their book in 2007, around half the working population had engaged in an office romance, with a quarter of those relationships resulting in marriage or cohabitation.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Those numbers have shifted slightly since: according to Vault&#39;s 2011 Office Romance Survey, the number of people who have had an interoffice relationship has risen to 59 percent--with half of those respondents reporting having developed a serious, long-term relationship with a colleague.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;With so many success stories, why the bad rap? As Olen puts it, &quot;If Match.com had that ratio, it would be on the side of every bus in the city.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;We spoke with Helaine Olen to learn more about why office romance might not be as risky (or even particularly provocative) as you may think.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. The Office is Your &quot;Village&quot;&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Remember a safer, gentler time when everyone spoke to their neighbors? Yeah, we don&#39;t either. But according to Olen, a survey done in Ohio in the 1950s revealed that half of the married couples polled had lived a mile away from each other (or less) when they first met.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Coincidence? We think not. &quot;Obviously, that&#39;s how we used to meet each other,&quot; Olen says, &quot;knowing who was who, what was what.&quot; Not only did you actually see people every day, you were familiar with their reputations among friends and family—a useful piece of the puzzle to have in the selection process.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;So now that we spend much of our time at our jobs, &quot;What has come to be our village is our work community,&quot; concludes Olen. That&#39;s a key distinction to make from our online social networks, since the connections are in person. The comfort of the same people sitting at the same places every day gives us a sense of orientation and connection, and slowly builds organic relationships.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Of course, the sheer number of hours we spend at work these days limits our social time, further pushing us to seek relationships inside the company. &quot;Somebody once said to me, where else are you going to meet people? The gym?&quot; says Olen.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Workplace Romance=Old Fashioned Courtship&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;After-hours romps and week-long flings? They&#39;re in the minority, says Olen. Rather, office relationships tend to form in a slow burn, and last for the long haul.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;It&#39;s a more organic way of dating,&quot; she says. &quot;We joke that often times a couple dating are the last ones to know that they&#39;re actually a couple; rumors of the romance often precede the romance, because people start to spend more time together and as a result, slowly drift into relationships.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;She does admit, though, that when they become official, office relationships often move at a faster pace. &quot;You&#39;re not getting to know each other on your first date—you already know each other,&quot; she observes. The result: once the switch is flipped from platonic to romantic, things progress quite quickly.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. Your Coworkers Really Don&#39;t Mind&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Surprisingly, Olen reveals that coworkers of office daters tend to root for the couple. &quot;People see it as a validation of themselves,&quot; she says. &quot;If we see a couple forming in our midst, in some ways, we like to think we&#39;re responsible for that. Nobody&#39;s rooting for you to break up.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Of course, that&#39;s only if you&#39;re keeping annoying behaviors—like sharing every up and down of the relationship, engaging in either fighting or PDA in office—private.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Another notable exception? Relationships between bosses and subordinates. &quot;That seems to be the place where the most resentments pile up with coworkers,&quot; Olen says. She once did a call-in radio show for coworker of inter-office daters, and &quot;Literally person after person called up with awful stories—but they were all [coworkers of] people dating bosses or supervisors.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;And Vault&#39;s survey results back that claim: 34% of those polled regard boss/employee relations as unacceptable—more than for any other category of workplace relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Otherwise, your workmates are largely okay with love among work-place equals. &quot;People that we interviewed for the book said that the only downside was that they had to have a really large wedding, because everybody wants to be invited,&quot; Olen says.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. The Relationship is More Likely to Succeed&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;In their book, Olen and Losee discuss &quot;Warren Harding Syndrome&quot;—a term for when you&#39;re taken in by a great first impression only to realize that it didn&#39;t tell the whole truth. Such a pitfall is common in a dating scenario where all you have to go on at first is a glance across a crowded bar.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But lucky for inter-office daters, it&#39;s easy to get beyond knee-jerk assessments when you&#39;re working—and spending time—together. That makes for higher-quality unions—and lower risk ones, since you probably have an idea of what you&#39;re getting into when you embark on the relationship.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;It also might broaden your dating horizons a bit.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;Let&#39;s say your love interest can&#39;t stand wearing anything other than jeans and you hate jeans,&quot; Olen says. &quot;Chances are if you&#39;re in a bar or a gym, you&#39;re never getting past that point. That&#39;s it: one chance and you&#39;re over.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But being around the person day after day after day, jeans—or other minor turn-offs—lose their initial importance. Instead, more important qualities take the stage.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;You get to see people at their best and at their worst,&quot; Olen says. &quot;Do they work well? Do they like their job? Are they happy? Are they conscientious? Whatever matters to you… what&#39;s important to you, you get to see in an office.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Of course, that goes for red flags too—an area those loving coworkers can come in handy on. Listen to them, Olen advises, &quot;if they don&#39;t think highly of someone.&quot; They know both of you, and they&#39;re likely right.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. The Risks Don&#39;t Outweigh The Rewards&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lawsuits? HR throwing the book at you? Horrific breakups?&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Relax.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&quot;We make a big deal out of the sexual harassment issues, and they&#39;re certainly important,&quot; Olen says, &quot;But it&#39;s not that common, at the end of the day. Most people who are dating in the office are pretty happy to be dating in the office.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;That&#39;s not to say that you should be cautious. For example, you should always ask someone out off work grounds, Olen says, &quot;So it doesn&#39;t seem like a work-related request.&quot; And always take no for an answer, period, no further pursuits.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But don&#39;t fret over someone misinterpreting a simple coffee invitation. &quot;The average person is not walking around looking for a sexual harassment suit,&quot; Olen says. &quot;It&#39;s usually something they do at the end of their rope. It&#39;s not, &quot;oh god—he gave me a weird look, that&#39;s it.&quot;&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Similarly, assumptions that HR will care are also overblown. &quot;I think there are very few companies left where you could imagine it being a big deal,&quot; Olen remarks, &quot;That&#39;s a great misnomer.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Rather, if you see an office relationship turn serious, just be honest about it. &quot;What people don&#39;t want is major secrecy,&quot; says Olen. &quot;Frankly, when you think other people in the office are going to figure things out, it&#39;s probably worth a mention.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;As for the breakups? Well, you&#39;re on your own with that one. But chances are you can handle it. &quot;What&#39;s amazing is, when people criticize office romance, they forget that we&#39;re all basically adults,&quot; says Olen. &quot;When you were in the village 150 years ago, nobody ever said &quot;don&#39;t think about the guy down the block, because if it doesn&#39;t work out you&#39;ll have to run into him at the water well for the next 40 years.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Point taken.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But that said, there are some steps you can take to improve the success rate of a budding office romance.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Here are Olen&#39;s tips:&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;1. Do a &#39;pre-nup.&#39;&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;The idea is that you set the ground rules when you can&#39;t imagine anything going wrong, when you&#39;re really happy and in love. This way, you have some agreed upon neutral ground rules going in.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;2. Keep up other office relationships.&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;Don&#39;t lose your office network; it&#39;s really important that you continue hanging out with your office coworkers, and basically act like you did before you were dating the person.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;3. The relationship details stay home. &lt;/strong&gt; &quot;It&#39;s a no-go zone. I know that&#39;s hard for some people. No one wants to hear it. And if they do hear it, they&#39;re going to talk about it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;4. Avoid boss/subordinate relationships.&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;As we say in the book, if you can&#39;t see the whole thing ahead of you—the mortgage, the kids, the nursing home—this is one relationship you might really want to think twice about before pursuing it.&quot;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;5. Be honest with your boss, but not prematurely.&lt;/strong&gt; &quot;A week is too short, a year is definitely too long. If they don&#39;t know by then, you are a CIA agent,&quot; Olen laughs. But don&#39;t tattle on yourself for a two-week fling. &quot;That just makes you look juvenile,&quot; she points out.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Lastly, don&#39;t forget to have fun—a relationship should improve your quality of life (even at work!) and Olen acknowledges that common sense should protect you from most snafus.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;But so far, it seems people are handling office flings just fine on their own-- 63% of those whom Vault surveyed would, if given the chance, do it all over again.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;strong&gt;Read More:&lt;/strong&gt; &lt;br /&gt;&lt;a href=&quot;/blog/workplace-issues/2011-office-romance-survey-results/&quot; target=&quot;_blank&quot;&gt;Vault&#39;s 2011 Office Romance Survey&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&lt;em&gt;&lt;strong&gt;--Cathy Vandewate&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;strong&gt;r&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;strong&gt;, Vault.com&lt;/strong&gt;&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

Cathy Vandewater

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